


More than you know

by rebelwithoutenergy



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Arthur Knows About Merlin's Magic, Elemental Magic, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Jealous Arthur, M/M, Magic Revealed, Magical Accidents, Merthur - Freeform, Panic Attacks, Past Gwen/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Pining Arthur, Pining Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), References to Depression, fluff with plot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-14
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2019-08-01 22:20:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 11
Words: 19,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16292870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rebelwithoutenergy/pseuds/rebelwithoutenergy
Summary: Merlin hopes to never see Arthur again after the way they left things the last time around. He doesn’t even believe Arthur will be reborn again. But when highly unfortunate circumstances reunite Merlin with Arthur, who is now a policeman,what will come of their relationship? Can Merlin forgive Arthur after he’s had such a long time to look at things in a different light?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing properly and not as a hack job. Any comments and likes are highly appreciated. I was in a dark place when I started writing this but I like the shape the story took so I proceeded in this direction. Hope you all like it.  
> And I wanna give a shout out to @HJ_Fotemr for helping me with the editing.

* * *

Merlin banged on the door for the hundredth time that evening. “Rey! Get out. You’ve been in there for over 40 minutes now.” He raised his fist to knock again when the door opened and he fell in. Rey waltzed out laughing before he could grab her.

Merlin’s jaw practically dropped when he saw her. “Where the hell are you going dressed like that?” he choked out while gesturing with his hands.

“You like, M?” Rey twirled around to show off her outfit and winked at him. Merlin and Rey had been roommates for over 2 years. They were like family at this point.

“You still haven’t answered my question. That looks like a sparkly blue swimsuit. Why are you wearing that?”

“Remember I told you I was taking a new job. It’s as a waitress at a burlesque bar. This is their uniform. I can barely walk in these heels though. The pantyhose is making it slippery.”

“Wow. So you basically joined a strip club. PS I do like what I see,” he said wiggling his eyebrows.  
Rey smacked his arm hard and laughed while he complained. “Burlesque bars are better. The women are in control. Anyway I’m late. I’m taking that coat of yours that’s really long. See you tomorrow morning. I gotta work till 3.”  
Merlin pecked her on the cheek as she left and waved goodbye before settling in for the night.

* * *

  
  
He was completely disoriented and annoyed when he was woken up. Rey had changed his ringtone for her into a really loud song he hated just so that he couldn’t ignore it. He checked the clock and saw that it was 2:30. Now the annoyance turned into worry. Something must be really wrong for her to have to call him this late. He quickly reached for the phone and picked up the call.

“What’s wrong? Are you alright? Did something happen?”

“Sorry to bother you this late. It’s probably nothing but I didn’t wanna risk it.” She paused for a moment. He had never heard her voice so subdued and quiet. “There’s this guy here who keeps looking at me and normally I wouldn’t even notice but he just vibes me the wrong way. I wanted to know if you could come pick me up. It’s right off the bus route you used to take to your old job. It’ll take you like 15 minutes. I get off in another 30 minutes can you just be here before I’m done?” She hadn’t taken a single breath through all of that and held it until Merlin said yes.

* * *

  
  
He walked quickly towards the bar. It must have been new as he had never noticed it before, if he’d seen it before he would have remembered. The name w as on the top in bold, bright, red letters. The rest seemed pretty classy, but it was still hard to miss. As he was walking near the alley next to the bar , he heard a struggle. His protective instincts went into override. He’d been freaking out since the call. He just hoped this commotion was about something else entirely.

His hope was squashed the second he walked into that alley. A man had pinned Rey down and had a knife to her throat. Merlin couldn’t have missed her in that sparkly outfit even if he wanted to.

He froze for a second. He didn’t know what to do. The assaulter was huge. Then he heard a muffled scream and saw a flash of red on her arm. He was trying to cut her dress off , and she was struggling with all her might. That did it. Merlin hadn’t used his magic in a long time, and that had cost him someone dear once already. He wasn’t going to make that mistake again.

His eyes flashed bright for a second, and the man flew to the far end of the alley and hit a wall. He was knocked out cold. Rey collapsed, and he rushed to her. When he tried to wrap his arms around her, she struggled and screamed. When she finally saw that it was Merlin, she looked at him for a moment, dazed, like she was trying to make sure it was really him, and then she buried her face in his chest and cried.

* * *

  
  
She’d barely stopped crying when the police came. Someone had heard all the screaming and alerted the authorities. They were trying to ask her questions , but she wouldn’t say anything. She just sat there, her eyes glazed over like she wasn’t really here. They were tending to the cut on her shoulder. It was deep but not deep enough that it would need stitches. Other than that , there were just minor bruises and scrapes that would heal. She didn’t even wince when they applied the antiseptic; she was so numb she didn’t even complain. Rey loved to complain.

It broke his heart to see her this way. She was never quiet. Everything was loud with Rey: happiness, sorrow, anger. Now she just seemed like the shell of a person who looked like his friend.

He talked to the police on her behalf for the time being. He told them everything that happened except how she’d been saved. He told them he’d heard all the noise and had gone to check. He told them the assaulter fled when he saw someone running towards them. He ran to the other side of the alley and disappear around the corner.

They told him they’d come by tomorrow to ask Rey more questions and he reluctantly gave them the address. He didn’t think Rey wanted to relive it, but they said her statement was necessary to put that creep away.  
He wrapped her up in that long jacket of his that she liked and took her home. The whole ride home he never stopped holding her, like he was afraid she might disappear and she just snuggled closer and closer to him.

* * *

  
  
When they entered their tiny apartment she just stood there like she didn’t know where they were. She just stood there, confused. He sat her down on the couch and took off her heels. He got up to try and get her some water but she wouldn’t let go off his sleeve.

She looked up at him then, and Merlin could literally see her fall apart all over again. Her body convulsed so much from her sobs that he was shuddering along with her.

He could feel this sinking pit in his stomach. If he’d only reached a couple minutes earlier she would have been fine. If he had stopped her from taking a job so late at night maybe she’d be sound asleep right now, and he would be able to hear her loud snoring through the wall.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t better..... better at protecting you. I told you I’d be there today and I wasn’t. This is all my fault. I promise I’m going to spend the rest of my time with you making it up for this. I won’t ever let you down like this again. I sw...”  
“No.” It was soft and raspy and barely audible but she stopped him dead in his tracks. She hadn’t talked in hours. He was so relieved he almost just melted into a puddle right then and there.

He tried to pull away to look at her but she wouldn’t let him go. “No.” This time she sounded a little more firmer. “This could be a number of people’s fault but it could never be yours,” she mumbled into his chest.  
They just sat in silence after that holding each other close, terrified of all the worse things that could have happened. They woke up the next morning in each other’s arms.

* * *

  
  
Rey looked like herself for a moment, confused and annoyed, and then it was just replaced by despair. She got up then and tried to get her dress off. When she realised it wasn’t coming off, she ran into the kitchen. Merlin ran in to find her riffling  
through the drawers like a madwoman.

“What are you doing?”

“Where’s the scissors? I can’t get this off. I want it off. I need it off. I can’t...can’t do this.....I..I...can’t.......br...breathe,” She was gasping for breath and her feet buckled under her weight. She fell to the floor clawing at the neck of her suit.  
Merlin rushed in and grabbed the scissors from the draw where they always kept them and quickly tried to cut off the dress. She wouldn’t stop gasping until he finally got the neck loose. She breathed deep and tried to sit up but lost her balance and feel back to the floor. She just laid there breathing heavy. She wouldn’t let him pick her up no matter how much he begged.

Every time he saw a new side of her suffering he blamed himself more and more. He wanted to hurt the animal who did this to her. He wished he had noticed when that pathetic excuse of a man had regained consciousness and ran off. He wanted to make him pay. He was going to do exactly that. He was going to find him and make him wish he’d never been born.

* * *

  
  
After an hour or so she asked Merlin to help her to the bathroom. She was scratching at her skin like she wanted to take it off, like she felt filthy, like she couldn’t bare to have it on her a second longer. She made him leave her on the floor of the shower in her torn and cut costume. He asked her if he could call someone to help and she refused. He couldn’t bare to look at her so broken any longer, so he left and closed the door behind him.

* * *

  
  
He was trying to make her some warm breakfast when he heard the doorbell. He let it ring and didn’t bother answering. Then it rung once more, then twice and then again and again till he answered the door. He was going to bite the head off of whoever that was. When he opened the door though, his anger stopped short and turned into shock.

“Does Shreya Rao live here?” Arthur asked. His blue eyes meeting Merlin’s. When he saw Merlin he seemed startled too. Before Merlin could answer, they both turned towards the sound of uneven footsteps. It was Rey wrapped up in a bloody towel.


	2. Chapter 2

 

 

  
Rey had propped herself up to try and get that costume off. That’s when she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. She barely recognised the person she saw. The lower half of her face was a smear of red. It looked too much like blood. The elaborate hair she’d worked so hard on last night and set with too much hairspray was nothing more than a disheveled mess.

She scratched at her arm again. She felt disgusting. One thought kept coming back to her again and again. He had been inside her. The constant throbbing pain wouldn’t let her forget. All she wanted to do was forget, pretend like it never happened. So she decided a shower would cure her.

She noticed the blood as she was stripping. It was running down her thigh. She started at it horrified and tried to wash it off. She felt so filthy. She just wanted, no, needed to feel clean.

She grabbed the soap and started scrubbing. She didn’t feel clean, so she kept on scrubbing. She was drawing blood with her nails. She still didn’t stop. She kept on scrubbing till she felt she’d done a good enough job. She started wiping herself off with the towel and wrapped it around herself.

Her contact lenses were more blurry now due to all the soap and water. She couldn’t see clearly and slipped as she was trying to get out of the shower. Her head cracked against the tile as she fell, and she landed at an odd angle on her right leg which produced a distinct crack of its own. This all happened to the background noise of the doorbell going off multiple times.

She knew that she had broken her leg and that she was in agony. But she couldn’t feel it. She couldn’t even see a reason to scream. It was like there were multiple layers of bubble wrap separating her mind from her body. She just stood up and limped out to see who was at the door.

* * *

 

  
“Oh my God! What happened?” Merlin rushed towards her screaming. Then he noticed her fingers and nails. They were covered in blood. She had scratched herself so hard she’d drawn blood. “What have you done to yourself?” He roared at her.

She looked at him with scattered eyes and a head filled with cracked thoughts. “I wanted to be clean.” Her voice sounded so far away. “Do I look clean? Or should I scrub again?” Her hand tore at her shoulder, and her wound opened anew. Blood started gushing out fast. He caught her hands before she could do that again. Then he noticed how swollen her leg was. She’d broken it.

He looked at her in horror while Arthur ran in and grabbed the blanket on the sofa. “Put pressure on that. We need to get her to the hospital as soon as possible.”

The word ‘hospital’ caught her attention. She started to pull away and struggle. “No hospital. Malcolm, No. You know I don’t have the money. I can’t pay them. We can’t go. We can’t!”

“Stop! Rey, stop that now. I’ll pay. I have some money stashed away. I’ll take care of it. I’ll take care of you. Just let me. Calm down and let me.”

 She stopped struggling and they got her into the car. On the way there she put a hand on his cheek and stared at him fondly for a long time before asking,“What did I ever do in this selfish life of mine to deserve you?” He just kissed her on the forehead and whispered,“Don’t you give up on me now. Not after everything you’ve been through. You’ve got to make it. If anyone can, it’s you. Do this one thing for me. Please be okay.”

* * *

 

 

They waited an eternity to hear about how Rey was doing. Even though he had been shocked and disturbed to see Arthur, he was Merlin’s only source of comfort right now. They sat in silence until Arthur broke it.

“She will be fine. Different people react differently to trauma. She seems strong though. She’ll pull through.”

“You know what’s funny. She always said she was so numb inside that something bad would happen and she wouldn’t even be effected, and everyone would think she didn’t feel anything. She was always so scared that she was too broken to crack any further.” Merlin let out a short, sharp bark of a laugh. His hands started shaking when he noticed the blood streaked on them.Arthur picked up on what was happening and gave Merlin his handkerchief.

“I should have gotten there faster. I should have done something quicker. I shouldn’t have let that monster get away. He needs to answer for what he’s done.”

“Hey. Don’t blame yourself. You saved her life. She wouldn’t be here without you. It’s the fault of the guy who assaulted her. The blame is on him, not you. He’s responsible. Stop holding yourself accountable. And he will pay. We will try our best to bring her justice.”

“That he will.”

Officer Thomas did not like the dark glint in Malcolm’s eyes. He still couldn’t believe he was actually meeting the man who had plagued his dreams for so long. It felt so surreal, it almost might as well have been a dream. The blood covered victim kept him rooted in reality, left him wishing they’d met under better circumstances.

  
Merlin nearly grabbed the doctor when she walked out of the room. “How is she? Will she be alright?”

“What’s your relationship with the patient?”

“We live together. She’s like a sister to me.”

“I’m not at liberty to say if you’re not a family member.

“Just tell me already. I’m all she has right now. She doesn’t keep in touch with her family. She wouldn’t want them to know. So just tell me. Will she be okay?”

“I think we should let her wake up and then give consent.”

“Her birthday is January 2nd. She’s 20 years old. She’s allergic to mushrooms. There’s a funny looking mole on her left knee that she hates. I could tell you a million other things to prove that I know her. Here. Look at her phone. I’m her emergency contact. Just tell me for fuck’s sake.”

  
It was another hour before they told him anything. They told him she was lucky to be alive. She had a concussion. Her left shoulder had needed stitches. Her right femur had suffered a clean break. She had contracted a mild infection. And....and her vaginal canal had multiple tears. When he heard the last part, he sat down dazed and heavy. He kept protesting, claiming the assailant hadn’t had the opportunity. But he knew her injuries didn’t lie. There was only one thought in his head after that. His failure had been much graver than he realised.

* * *

 

 They woke him up when she was ready for visitors. As soon as he walked into the room, she smiled at him. That broke him. He ran to her side and sobbed while holding her hand. She kept trying to tell him that she would be fine, and that he wasn’t responsible for her. But he wouldn’t listen. How could he not feel responsible for her?

After he calmed down, he finally gathered the courage to ask her the question that had been burning a hole in his heart. “Why didn’t you tell me? So much more happened than you let on. You almost died. Why wouldn’t you get help?”  
She looked at their hands for a minute, eerily still. “I didn’t want it to be true. If I told you, it would mean it really happened. I didn’t want _that_ to have happened.”

She stared out the window for a couple minutes before turning back to him. “Why didn’t _you_ tell me? Do you not trust me?”  
“I’d trust you with my life. But I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I saw what you did in that alley. I saw your eyes glow. Why didn’t you just tell me?”

Merlin shifted in his seat. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. It’s probably the concussion.”

“You’re a terrible liar. And I got the concussion this morning, when I fell trying to get out of the shower. Don’t lie to me. Please.”

She looked so tired, he just conceded and told her what she saw was true. He couldn’t bring himself to look her in the eye after that. She didn’t say anything for a while. “I’m still the same guy you’ve known,” Merlin started tentatively.

“Of course you are. And I owe you for everything. Last night. Taking me in. This hospital. You do so much for me and I’ve done absolutely nothing to deserve that. So thank y..”

“Have you lost your mind! We’re practically family. And you do a lot for me too. You introduced me to Travis. You take care of me all the time. Every time the anniversary of my mother’s death comes around, you keep me together…You know, you remind me of her: smart, bold, brave. I don’t miss her as much when I’m around you.”

Rey started crying again. “I....remind...you of your...mo..ther?”

“Yes. Now stop. They also said you were dehydrated. This isn’t helping.”

This made her laugh and that made Merlin laugh.

“I promise I’m gonna make him pay, Rey. He is going to suffer.”

Rey looked him in the eyes, worried and terrified. “Promise me. Promise me you won’t do something stupid. Just let the police handle this. They can do it. It’s their job. You don’t need to be getting yourself in trouble over me. This isn’t worth exposing yourself over. I’m not worth exposing yourself over. Promise me.”

Merlin just looked at her shocked. “What do you mean by that? I promised to take care of you. I’ve already broken it once. I’m not gonna do it again.”

“M, listen. I...”

“I’m sorry to interrupt you, but I need a statement from you for Scotland Yard’s report. I’m officer Thomas Fier. I’m working on your case.”

Merlin almost leapt out of his seat in anger. He would have succeeded too, if Rey hadn’t been holding his hand. That didn’t stop him from yelling though. “Have you lost your mind? She just woke up. Get..”

“M. It’s okay. I’m okay. I want that asshole found as soon as possible, so he doesn’t do to other girls what he did to me. Wait outside while I talk to him.”

“But..”

“Please.” Her eyes looked so fierce, there was no room to argue. He walked out.

* * *

  
  
Officer Thomas stopped him from going back in.

“What are you doing? I need to go back in.”

“She told me to drive you back home. And she also said if you go back in now, she’ll get you kicked out of the hospital.”  
Merlin sighed in exasperation and turned around. She wouldn’t hesitate for even a minute.

 “Is your name Merlin?” Arthur asked after a long time.

 He turned around swiftly and asked in a sharp voice,“How do you know that name?”

“I know this is going to sound strange, but I heard it in a dream. I’ve seen you in them too. I can’t believe I’m finally meeting you.”

Merlin pauses for a moment and proceeds to reply coldly,”So, you have your memories this time around. That must be nice.” 

Arthur parked beside Merlin’s building and turned to face him. “What do you mean memories? And this time around? We’ve met before? I know this isn’t the ideal time, but I’ve waited for answers all my life.”

“You want answers. I want justice. Let’s make a deal. You let me tag along on Rey’s case, I give you answers. Goodbye Arthur Pendragon, and think it over.” He left the car immediately, leaving Thomas baffled.

This proved to Thomas that Merlin had the answers he so desperately craved. He had heard that name before but only in his dreams. 


	3. Chapter 3

  
  
Merlin collapsed on the couch in exhaustion. He was too tired to even move. Then he noticed the red droplets on the floor and stood right back up. He started mopping the whole apartment diligently. He made sure no trace of what happened was left. He got rid of the costume, his shirt and the towel. He made sure their home looked the same as it always did before heading off to bed.

* * *

  
  
He left early that monday morning to check on Rey after calling in sick at work. His thoughts were consumed by Arthur the whole ride to the hospital. He was still furious about what happened the last time they were together. The betrayal that had taken place had crushed his heart.

  
He walked into Rey’s room to see Travis already chatting away. He’d called him last night to explain why he’d bailed on their date. Travis had been upset about one thing only, that he hadn’t been called earlier.

He cleared his throat to get their attention. Rey smiled even wider when she saw him.

He noticed her every smile now. He had almost lost it forever, so he couldn’t help but keep track of it at all times. 

He walked up to Travis and pecked him on the lips. Rey, like the child she was, proceeded to hoot and clap. Travis blushed crimson while Merlin proceeded to glare at her. 

“Why do you do that every single time? We’ve been together over two months now. Not so exciting anymore.”

“You guys are my resume for my future match making gig. Look at how successful I was the first time I tired,” she replied, giggling.

“Haha,” Merlin mocked her while wrapping an arm around Travis and pulling him close. He had missed him a lot yesterday. He had fallen for Travis hard and couldn’t bare to be apart from him after what happened yesterday.

Travis piped up then, to give him the doctor’s report from that morning. “Her concussion seems to be subsiding. The rest of her injuries are healing relatively well. But, her fever is spiking.”

Merlin looked at her properly then. Her forehead was beaded with sweat and she was shivering. Her face was covered in red marks from all the scratching. There was hardly any skin on her face that she hadn’t scarred.

Rey frowned at Travis and said bitterly,”He was finally being normal. Couldn’t you just leave it alone for a while?”

Travis looked a bit taken aback but held his own. “You know that he would have wanted to know immediately. There was no point in delaying the inevitable.”

She slumped then, all the anger gone from her body. “I know. I just want this to be over. I just want to go home and to class and to that cozy bookshop by the university. I just want to feel normal again.”

Travis shrugged off Merlin’s grip and gingerly wrapped his arms around Rey, resting his chin on her head. “I know. I know.” She held on tight to his arms. “Don’t let go. The warmth is nice.”

Merlin shrugged off his jacket and handed it to her. “This feels nice. It’s already warm cause you were wearing it. Good thing too, we both know I can’t generate any body heat due to my reptilian nature. But what are you going to wear to work?”

He sat down on the bed near her legs and cautiously started,”Nothing. Because I’m not going today. I called in sick.”

She didn’t even say anything, just stared daggers at him. Finally, when she noticed the time, she stopped. “Travis, do me a favour?”

“Sure. Anything.”

“Take Malcolm to get breakfast. He hasn’t eaten anything. And no hospital food. Just because I have to bear this torture, doesn’t mean you both need to too.”

Merlin just looked indignant. “How do you know I haven’t already eaten breakfast?”

“We can hear your stomach growling,” they both replied in unison.

Merlin sat there pouting without moving a muscle, until Travis hauled him off. “Don’t worry. I’ll take care of him.”  


* * *

 

“Have they caught who did it yet?” Travis inquired hesitantly, poking at his breakfast. He’d already eaten.

“No, Trav. But I should have tried to stop him. I shouldn’t have let...”

“Stop it, will you. Rey said that guy was six feet tall and really bulky. How would you have stopped that monster? You would have just ended up hurt too. What would I have done then?”  

Merlin looked at him with a small smile, and he took Travis’ hand and held it between both of his. “You would have just taken care of me, like I would have taken care of you.” 

Travis smiled and Merlin kissed his hand. “We need to leave. We’ve spent too much time here already.”

“Stop. We’re not leaving till you finish everything that’s on your plate. You need to take care of yourself before you can take care of her. She’ll nag us both to death if she finds out.”

Merlin finally agreed and dug into his breakfast. He hadn’t realised how hungry he was. He hadn’t eaten anything since yesterday morning. He even finished Travis’ breakfast.

* * *

 

 Standing in the room when they entered, was the last person he expected to see. Arthur was asking her questions. Some of them, he could tell, Rey didn’t feel comfortable answering.

He pulled Travis into the room along with him without any hesitation. They both stopped talking when they saw them enter.

“I thought you already told him everything yesterday. Why is he back?” Merlin tried to mask the resentment in his voice but he failed.

Rey looked confused but answered anyway. “They couldn’t get a proper shot of him through the CCTV footage from around the alley. They want to know if I can work with a sketch artist.”

“Right now?”

“Yes. Right now. M, why are you so mad? I thought you wanted the guy caught. This will help.”

“I just don’t want you to stress yourself out,” he replied meekly cowed by her anger.

“I’m not made of porcelain. I’ll be fine.” Then she turned to Arthur. “Have the sketch artist come in whenever he’s free.”

Travis looked puzzled by his behaviour too but didn’t say anything. He must have figured Rey had yelled at him enough.

“Listen, Malcolm, I have to leave now. But I’ll be back after work. See you then.” He squeezed Merlin’s hand to reassure him and kissed him deeply before leaving. The kiss had felt so nice, Merlin almost didn’t let him leave.  


* * *

 

Arthur felt puzzled by the bitterness that rolled off Malcolm in waves. He knew for sure that it was directed at him after the conversation yesterday, but he had no clue why. He decided to set it aside for now and concentrate on his job. He managed to get a hold of a sketch artist and sent her to the hospital.  


* * *

 

 Rey didn’t know how to broach the subject. She’d definitely seen Malcolm bitter before. He is a bitter man if she was being honest, but this was different. She kept thinking about asking him. It took her awhile before she did. The medication she was on was making her fuzzy, she was drifting in and out of consciousness. It took an immense amount of concentration to focus.  
  
At around three in the afternoon, when they decreased her dosage, she finally asked him.

“What is going on with you and that officer?”

Merlin looked at her then, eyes guarded. “Whatever do you mean?”

She snorted and replied,”Bitch, please. This medication is making me fuzzy not daft.”

He waited a moment before replying. “There’s too much to explain.”

“You are really going to leave me with something that cryptic? Are you kidding? Spill, M, now. You don’t get to hold out.”

He sighed and fidgeted with his hands. “I don’t think you’re ready yet. Maybe when you’re better. I don’t wanna overwhelm you.”

She just looked at him for a minute and said,”You mean you’re not ready and you don’t want to overwhelm _yourself_.”

Merlin just chuckled and buried his face in his hands. “Maybe I’m not. We can do this later.”  


She just grumbled and let it go. She was feeling drowsy again.  


Merlin watched her sleep. She seemed peaceful, but the scars on her face remained a reminder. He had wanted to tell her everything. But he had decided against it.  
She had her own problems to deal with without him burdening her with his. There were just too many. He was over a thousand years after all. He had accumulated them like souvenirs over the years. A knock at the door startled him and caused Rey to stir in her sleep. Thankfully, she didn’t wake up.

He put a finger to his lips and led her out of the room.

“May I help you?”

“Yeah, I’m the sketch artist. This is Shreya Rao’s room, yes?”

“Yea, but she’s asleep now. Could you maybe wait a while? Let her get some rest?”

“Definitely. She probably needs it.”

He was about to say something else, when he heard her scream and rushed back to the room. She had woken up and looked like a deer caught in headlights. She had had a nightmare.

Merlin tried to soothe her but he didn’t know what to say or do. The sketch artist just stood by the door, startled. Eventually Rey noticed.

“Who’s that?”

“The sketch artist, but it can wait.”

“No. It can’t. Let’s do this,” she declared determinedly.  


The artist, Lilith, sat on the chair beside the bed and started drawing based on Rey’s description. He started to leave as he thought that’s what she would want, but she wouldn’t let his hand go. She moved to the side to make room for him on the bed. He sat down and she wrapped her arms around him, nuzzling her face against his side. She was also scratching again, not as bad as before but still concerning.

Travis had joined them too, before the sketch was over. He stared at the finished sketch in concentration. “I’ve seen him around campus before. I always thought it was odd that he was outside the building at the exact time our sociology class ended everyday even though he never came in.”

Rey shivered next to him and Merlin did too. This creep had been stalking her for a while now. What if he knew where they lived? What if this had been in the making for weeks? He pulled her close and kept whispering how everything would be fine. He didn’t even convince himself.

“I need to call officer Fier. This could be a lead. Don’t leave,” she instructed Travis before she excused herself to make the call.

Merlin frowned when he heard Arthur was coming back. He wanted to leave but he couldn’t abandon Rey now.

“Oh my god. I knew I should have reported him. I wish I had.”

Rey looked up at Travis and squeezed his hand. “I’m only going to say this once. My well being is my responsibility. The weight of the world isn’t on the shoulders of you two wankers. Stop taking responsibility for all the bad things other people do.”  
Travis looked like he was going to protest but Merlin silenced him with a look. Rey needed to rest. He waited until Rey was asleep before leaving the room with Travis to talk.

* * *

 

Rey had been pretending to be asleep. She was too scared to relive that every time she closed her eyes. At the same time she hadn’t wanted both of them hovering over her. She turned her face into the pillow and let out a muffled sob. She felt all this pain inside her that needed to be let out, except she didn’t know how. The scratching helped sometimes, not always.

She had finally been working towards a better place in her life. She was going to start over. Be a better person who wasn’t so broken. Be someone who was worth the effort. Now all she felt was cracked, like there wasn’t a single piece of her that wasn’t broken. She didn’t even feel much like a person anymore, more a hollow husk that was going through the motions.

* * *

 

“You’re staying with me tonight. No arguments,” Travis declared. Apparently he had been thinking the same thing too.

“I think I might just stay here. She might have nightmares again. I don’t want her to wake up scared and alone.”

“I’ll stay with you then,” Travis said taking Merlin’s pale hand into his dark one, studying the contrast nervously. He didn’t want to seem too clingy. They’d only been going out for two months but he couldn’t help falling for Malcolm. He didn’t want to seem too presumptuous though.

Merlin put a hand on Travis cheek and looked into his golden brown eyes. “I love you for offering,” and Travis’ breath stuttered. This was the first time either of them had said that. “but you have class tomorrow. You need the rest.”

Travis pouted. “I can just skip. I’d rather be here for her with you.”

Merlin grinned then and pulled him in for a kiss. It was deep and long and they should probably stop, but in that moment either of them could care less. They just couldn’t get enough of each other. They stopped, gasping for air, foreheads touching. The biggest smiles on their faces.

“I love you too,” Travis finally gathered the courage to say, eyes shining. In that moment nothing else mattered and things didn’t seem so bleak.  
  
  



	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave kudos and comments if you like it. I could really use the encouragement. And thanks for actually making it this far in.  
> Love,JS.

Thomas had always felt alone. His dreams ensured that. Other people always dismissed them, calling him creative. Now, there was finally a chance for him to know the truth. Only one problem stood in the way, Malcolm’s demand. It was against the rules. The one thing Thomas always did was follow the rules.   
He had been thinking it over the whole night, and rules be damned. He wanted the freedom you only get from knowing the truth. There was something about Malcolm that made Thomas reckless. 

Malcolm looked different compared to his appearance in his dreams. He looked older, sadder, time worn. His dreams had always been vivid. He never got any useful information, just distinctive flashes. A smile here, a laugh there. He was always wearing armour, and Merlin was ever present wearing a red scarf.   
A call startled him out of his daze, and he quickly reached over to pick it up. It was Lilith. The information she passed along sped him into motion. He quickly took off for the hospital.

* * *

  
When he reached there, he started hurrying for Miss Rao’s room. He stopped himself at the corner of the hallway. He didn’t want to interrupt what seemed like a beautiful moment between Malcolm and his boyfriend. He felt a pang of jealousy watching them. He had never been afforded the chance at such intimacy. He had always had a secret standing in the way, making him feel like a fraud.

He waited for a couple more minutes before proceeding towards the room. They had gone back in. He was about to knock at the door, when he felt a hand on his shoulder. It was Lilith. She put a finger to her lips and motioned for him to wait. She came back with Malcolm’s boyfriend.

“Tell him exactly what you told me. This is Travis.” 

“Me and Rey, we go to university together. So the last couple of weeks I noticed this strange guy hanging around near our class. I’d never seen him before. I didn’t see him meet anybody either. I thought it was odd. Then I thought I was just overthinking things. But today when Lilith finished the sketch of the rapist, I recognised him. It was the same man.”   


Lilith handed him the sketch. Thomas spent some time observing it.   


“I’ll look around and see if I can find any other cases with the same description. This seems like someone who has done this before. Maybe I’ll get a lead.”    


Lilith packed up her things and left, while he asked Travis a couple more questions.

“Before you leave, can you ask Malcolm to come out for a minute? I have some questions for him too.”   


Travis just nodded and left. A minute later Malcolm emerged, surly as ever and glared at him as if saying what now.

“ I want to take you up on your offer, but we do this on my terms.”

Malcolm actually directed an emotion that wasn’t negative towards Thomas. He wasn’t exactly happy, more pleased.   
“Alright. Count me in.”

“First, I need assurance from you that you’ll hold up your end. What I’m doing could cost me my job.”

“Don’t worry. I never go back on a deal. You hold up your end, I’ll hold up mine.”

“Fine. If I get any leads based off of this sketch and Travis’ information, I’ll contact you. You’re number is a part of the report.”   


“I have a condition. Rey doesn’t find out about any of this. She’s worried enough as it is, I don’t want to trouble her any further.”   


Arthur nodded and left.

* * *

 

Merlin returned pleased with himself. Rey woke up a few minutes after Travis left.

“What are you still doing here? Go home and get some rest. And I swear to god, if I see you here tomorrow morning, I’ll beat you to death with a spoon.”

“I wanted to keep you company in case you had anymore nightmares. Plus, I can afford to take a couple more days off work.”

“I’ll be fine,” she declared, shivering. Her expression was extremely guarded. Merlin didn’t understand what was happening, but he moved to wrap her in another blanket he bought.

She yelled at him then. “M, stop. Go home. I’ll be fine. You don’t need to take care of me. I was fine before you; I’ll be fine after you. I’m not a child.”

Merlin tried to mask his shock, then his pain. She looked so angry, he didn’t know what to do. He didn’t even know what caused it. He was about to open his mouth but was interrupted.

“Leave,” was all she said, but it was like a knife to the heart. She sound so cold, so very, very cold. She wouldn’t look at him after that. He stood there for a minute, numb, before leaving. 

 

Rey sobbed and sobbed after Malcolm was gone. She wanted to let him help, let him in. She just didn’t know how. It made her so very uncomfortable that he cared for her so much. She didn’t know how to reciprocate the affection.

The trauma was still fresh in her mind and it didn’t want to leave. She wanted to talk to him about it, get it off her chest. She would open her mouth, but some meaningless ramble would come out instead.

She felt responsible for it sometimes, all the misery in her life. If she hadn’t taken the job, she wouldn’t have been raped. If she hadn’t come out to her parents, they’d be still paying her college tuition. She wouldn’t even have needed the job then.

She could imagine what they’d say if they were here now. It’s all your fault. You brought this on yourself when you took that job. The shame we’ll face in front of the neighbours. Wait till they find out what you were doing when this happened. Everything was always her fault, even when it wasn’t.

She felt so much anguish then, unaccompanied in that hospital room. She felt ice cold. She had been balancing on the precipice until that moment. Now, she was in free fall, hurtling alone through the darkness.

* * *

 

Merlin awoke to a call at 5 am. He didn’t know the caller. He declined and went back to bed. The phone rang again. It was the same number. He picked up this time. He wished he had picked up the first time itself.

 

He raced towards her room, barely holding himself together. Her infection had progressed into sepsis. Her condition had worsened considerably. Her organs were failing. They hadn’t given her too many antibiotics, she was allergic to most and didn’t know which ones. They needed some time to run the tests and figure it out. By the time they did, she was already going into organ failure. 

 

When he got to her room, she was being monitored by a nurse. The machine was beeping, there was still a pulse. He let go of the breath he was holding. She was alive, but barely. She looked fragile. She was just lying there, limp. Her chest was barely moving with each raspy breath. She wasn’t even breathing on her own, a machine was doing it for her. There was a tube stuck to her neck. She would’ve hated that. The I.V. in her arm had already made her so uncomfortable.

He walked out to try and collect himself. He failed. A tear rolled down his cheek, then another. That’s when he saw Travis racing towards him.

“What happened? She was fine.” He looked into the room and backed away too. He looked towards Merlin, hoping for answers. And Merlin just lost it. He sobbed into Travis’ chest.

“Sepsis. Organ failure. They don’t know....if she’ll make it.”

“Of course she will. She’s a tough cookie that one. She’ll come back, even if it’s just out of spite. She’ll come back.”

“I wasn’t here last night. She kicked me out and I left. Maybe if I was here, I could have done something.”

No. She wouldn’t want you going down this rabbit hole all over again. Put all of that aside for now, for her. She’ll pull through. You’ll see.”

Merlin didn’t say anything after that. He just stood there in Travis’ arms, tears streaming down his cheeks.

* * *

 

He was sitting in the room, her hand in his. He kept checking the pulse. He could have just looked at the monitor, but  _ feeling _ her pulse made it more real. The nurse looked at him with concern.

“You should eat something. You haven’t moved from that spot in hours. You must be tired.” 

Merlin just shook his head. She was becoming a ghost right before his eyes, fading with each feeble heartbeat. He had been thinking about it. Now, his mind was made up. 

“Do you mind getting me something to eat? I don’t want to leave her.”

The nurse looked at him with pity and then agreed. Her condition had remained steady after the antibiotics were administered. She wasn’t worsening, but she wasn’t getting better either. The nurse must have thought it was safe to leave her.

The second he was alone, he started chanting. He knew all the healing spells by heart now. He had used them so many times in his life, not all had been successful though. His eyes glowed with the power that coursed through him. The spell had been successful, but there was no change.

He tried a couple more to no avail. He was exhausted by the time the nurse came back. He scarfed down his food. He needed to keep his strength up to try more. He tried many more, but nothing worked.

He was still there at nightfall, holding her hand. He was desperate by then. The nurse was checking in every half hour now and asked Merlin to get him if there was any change. He knew a tricky spell, but he didn’t have any idea what the consequences might be. 

So far all the spells had dealt with the physical aspects of her disease. But healing had a mental component too. He was going to enter her mind, try healing her from there. 

He started reciting the spell. His eyes flashed a brilliant gold. His vision was fuzzy for a moment and gradually started to clear up. He was in a huge, familiar park filled with people. The leaves were all shades of gold and red, those on the ground and tree alike.

He looked around for Rey, but she was hard to spot in the crowd. Then he saw her, laughing. She was diving into a huge pile of leaves with a toddler. She seemed genuinely euphoric, like she didn’t know she was dying.

He ran up to her and tackled her into a hug. They both fell over but he didn’t let go.

She smiled even wider, if that was possible, when she saw him. 

“You being here makes this even more beautiful. Almost wish I didn’t have to leave. Maybe I’ll really see you again, if some sort of afterlife exists. I doubt we’d meet though. You’re like a martyr. I highly doubt we’ll both get to go to the same place.”

“What are you talking about? I’m really here. This isn’t some subconscious construct. And you aren’t dying. Not if I’ve got something to do with it.”

“Of course it’s not you. How would Malcolm get in my head? Why would he care enough to after last night? I like this dream though. The happiest day of my life and you get to be a part of it, even if only in a dream. I’ll miss you,” she sighed, ruffling his hair.

“I’ve got magic remember. I can actually be in your head. You need to wake up right now. Fight off the infection. I can’t help you if you don’t want me to.”

She still kept smiling as if in a trance, as if she didn’t believe this was really happening. “We came to Central Park once when I was 8. It was fall and everything looked beautiful, like in a movie. It felt like someone had arranged everything perfectly, just for me. Me and my brother ran around the park diving into all the leaf piles. My parents followed us around, happy themselves. There was no anger that day. I was so happy I thought I was going to burst. But I’m tired now, so tired. Fight for what? Things are always going to go wrong and you have to keep fighting to survive. Survive for what? I’m so tired. I just want this to be the last thing I experience. The happiest day of my life with Malcolm in it. I feel content, like it’s okay if I die.

“It’s not okay if you die. You’ll lose the chance to make more memories like this. Survive for that, god damn it. Survive for me. I’m going to miss you. I want the chance to make memories like this with you, in reality. If you can’t live for yourself, live for the ones who love you. Think about them. Think about what they’ll go through.”

She laughed bitterly then. “No one would care. Malcolm would be rid of his burden. My family won’t even know. If they find out, they won’t even care, not in a way that matters anyway. I’m at peace now, here. There could be worse ways to go I suppose, like in that alley.”

“Have you lost your goddamn mind? You’re not a burden. I’ve never thought that. I’ll miss you. Your brother will miss you. He never turned his back on you. He won’t ever get the opportunity to meet the person you’ve grown into. This will break him. Think about that.”

She frowned then, as if finally seeing sense. “It would break him. But how will he ever find out. He won’t even know. And after how I’ve been treating Malcolm, it’s better if I left him alone. I was so cruel. I was so scared to let him in that I pushed him away. He’ll get over his sense of responsibility for me soon enough. He deserves much better.”

“That’s it.” Merlin put his fingers to her temples and concentrated. He showed her all the precious moments he had shared with her. He tried to show her that she was much more than a burden and a responsibility in his life. He tried to showed her how much he admired her strength. He tried to showed her how much he loved her.

She gasped and jerked away. 

“You really are here.” There was clarity and shame in her eyes. She looked away. 

“You deserve better. I’m not worth all of that affection. Even if I make it, you’ll have to spend months taking care of me. Don’t waste your time on me, or your magic. What if you get caught right now? Just leave Malcolm.”

He turned her face gently to look at him. “Why is it so hard for you to believe I care? Or that you’re worthy of it?”

She was silent for a moment as if deciding whether or not to answer. “Because, why would you want to care about me? I’m such a screw up. Ask my parents. All of this is my fault. I should have gotten a different job, but the money was good so I took it. Now you’re involved in my mess. I just ruin everything I touch. And I’m so tired of feeling guilty all the time. I could do  _ anything _ , it will always go wrong and other people get sucked into my messes. You’re hitting pause on your life for me right now. I just need to stop being a problem.”

“Is that what you got from my memories?”

“I learned that I wasn’t worthy of your love. It’s too la- What’s happening? Why are you fading? Are you alright? Malcolm?”

“Please,” he gasped lightly before completely disappearing.

I failed. That was his last desperate thought as he was losing consciousness. He saw Arthur rushing towards him as he slid off his seat.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry. I’ve been busy with college applications and haven’t had any time to write. I’m going to try and put up another chapter in the next few days. Likes and comments are extremely motivating and deeply appreciated, so please.

Rey’s eyes fluttered open urgently. Her vision was blurry and smeared. She didn’t know why she was looking for Malcolm so frantically: all she knew was that it was very important. Then she felt someone holding her hand and breathed a sigh of relief, or tried to. There was a tube in her throat, pumping air in and out of her lungs.

She started struggling to try and get it out.

She jostled M awake in the process. She couldn’t see his face clearly without her glasses, but she could feel his hand shaking. He ran out of the room to call for a doctor and came right back in.

They eased the tube out of her throat, and she could finally breathe freely on her own. She’d barely done anything but felt exhausted. Malcolm pushed her glasses up her nose, and she could finally see. He had such a big dopey grin on his face, she felt all warm and fuzzy inside. She didn’t know what to call that warmth, but it felt good.

“Hey,” He whispered as he took her hand again.

She could feel him checking her pulse but didn’t say anything.

“Hey,” She rasped out. Her throat felt unbelievable dry and she could barely talk. “How long was I out for?”

He hesitated before answering, ”A week.”

“Hmm.”

“I thought you’d flip out.”

“I think the pain meds I’m on are doing what they’re supposed to,” Rey said with a big lopsided smile. “Can you give me some water?”

“Sure.” M helped her slowly drink it, tiny sip by sip. Her whole body was so weak, she could barely lift her arms. “What’s the last thing you remember,” he asked, trying to sound particularly nonchalant.

“Just the argument we had. Why?”

“Nothing.”

Rey waited a whole minute before cautiously proceeding with her apology. “I’m sorry, M. I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that. You were just trying to help and I was a total bitch. You didn’t deserve that. I’m going to make it up to you. And pay you back for all of this. It must have cost a lot.”

“Don’t think about that right now. I’m going to let you in on a little secret. I’m rich,” he stage whispered.

“Yea, right. That’s why you live in our shit hole of an apartment. I’m not kidding, I will pay you back.”

“I’m not kidding either. I’ve got this whole other life you don’t know about. Get well soon, and I’ll tell you all about it.”

“Other than the magic,” she questioned sceptically, with her eyebrows raised. “After that bomb, I can probably handle anything.”

“I’m an ancient sorcerer whose been alive for more than a millennium and my real name is Merlin.”

“Hmm. Really? Merlin? Mer..lin? Why would anyone wanna saddle their kid with a name like that?”

“Hey! It’s still my name.”

“You know what. Maybe I _am_ too high for this. Let’s continue this conversation later.”

* * *

 

Merlin watched her doze off eventually. Organ failure does take its toll. She didn’t remember their conversation, the one where she declared she wanted to die. He was definitely not going to remind her. He didn’t know how she’d woken up, considering he’d passed out from exhaustion before he could convince her. He wasn’t complaining though. Whatever the reason, she was still alive.

Malcolm could still sense the loneliness and immense grief that he’d felt inside Rey’s mind. They’d been thick as thieves these past two years, and he had absolutely no idea all this was going on inside her head. He wanted to help her, but he didn’t know how without bringing up their conversation. It’s like she had been holding all these horrible feelings behind using a mental dam, the rape had broken through that like a wrecking ball.

Travis rushed into the room holding a chocolate chip muffin. “I thought she’d woken up?”

“She did, but the sepsis took its toll. Did you really think they’d let her eat a muffin right away,” Merlin asked, amusement lacing his voice.

“Did you really think they could stop her if she really wanted to?”

“Touché.”

“How’s she doing though? Actually?”

“Much better. They think she’s going to make a full recovery.”

Travis set the muffin down and massaged Malcolm’s stiff shoulders. He proceeded to kiss him long and deep. “You’ve been such a good friend. I’m lucky to have known someone so loyal.” Travis traced Merlin’s jaw with his nose and Merlin let out a shaky breath.

Travis made him go all weak at the knees.

* * *

 

Thomas kept thinking about the bizarreness he’d encountered that day. He’d walked into Miss Rao’s hoping to find Malcolm. He’d made some headway with their lead, but couldn’t get a hold of him to relay the information. He had been greeted by Malcolm’s voicemail one too many times and had decided to go looking for him. Thomas could make a guess as to where he would be.

He actually found it touching the way Malcolm refused to leave her side. He again felt that all too familiar jealousy at the lack of intimacy he’d been feeling since Merlin had come into his life. He walked into the room to find Merlin sprawled on the floor beside the bed. He couldn’t wake him despite his best efforts, so he called in a nurse. Apparently his blood sugar levels had drastically dropped. They gave him an IV and demanded Malcolm take better care of himself.

Turns out Miss Rao had gone into septic shock. She was experiencing organ failure and might not make it . This was the part he hated the most: the people he was trying to get justice for might not live to see that day. He had seen so many people fall apart at the death of their loved ones. The way it broke his heart never once decreased in intensity.

Malcolm looked hollow, like someone had scooped out his spirit. He looked like he was dreading the inevitable. Thomas could also see how easily Merlin might descend into vengeance if that did happen, full of fire and rage. He tried to comfort Malcolm, but he seemed to distant to notice.

He then called Travis, hoping he’d have better luck. He didn’t. Turns out there had been one other case that involved a perpetrator with a similar description. The victim had refused to cooperate, as a surprising amount did. But he was hoping to meet with her and see if see if he could convince her to change her mind.

Thomas had almost given up hope on Shreya Rao too, as ashamed as he been to admit it to himself. Then he got a call saying she’d pulled through and let out a sigh of relief. He hadn’t wanted to lose another one. He tried not to take the losses so personally but failed miserably every single time. He never let it show though, didn’t let it interfere with his duty. He grabbed his jacket and headed over.

  



	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just got accepted into a college, and that made so happy and excited. It just motivated me to finish this chapter quicker. Hope you guys like it.

Rey hobbled back into their shitty apartment. She never thought she’d be so happy to be back here, but a month in the hospital will do that to you. She was wearing a loose sundress she’d bought ages ago but never really worn. Turns out she couldn’t wear pants as long as there was a huge cast on her leg. It wasn’t very convenient considering it was going to be winter soon in London, and she was already freezing.

Malcolm was carrying all her things and opened the door for her. She was still working on walking with a crutch: she collapsed on the couch and tried to catch her breath.

“Home, sweet home,” Malcolm sang, settling down beside her.

He dropped her things beside the couch and laid his head in her lap. She switched on the TV. They just watched in comfortable silence for awhile, feeling as though nothing had changed. But, unfortunately, this was a short lived fantasy.

* * *

 

Rey awoke the next morning obsessing about finalising the details of her new lifestyle. She had missed the deadline to pay for the next semester at the university. She would have to join the semester after that instead. Not that she knew how she was going to get the money that wasn’t already covered. Her parents still payed a portion of her tuition, she hadn’t kept in contact with them personally though. This meant they didn’t know her fee had increased, and she wasn’t planning on reaching out to tell them.

There was also the matter of the hospital bills. They were bad. She had spent a whole month in the hospital, and two of those weeks in the ICU. She needed to pay him back. It had always made her uncomfortable to take money from others. She even hated taking money from her parents for college, but she was a little boxed in there. You need a proper job for money like that, and to get a proper job you needed a degree. Isn’t that just great.

There was also the fact that she couldn’t exactly work with this big ass cast. Not that it mattered, she was on two more weeks of mandatory rest. She wasn’t allowed to over exert herself. This meant no money for awhile. Then it hit her like a train, the idea to make some money.

“Hey, Malcolm. A little help here. I need to get into the safe.” Rey called from his room.

He headed in to help her. She could never remember the password. He typed in the password and the safe beeped open. She didn’t have much in there: a little cash, an earrings box and her passport. He watched her take out the box and open it. She looked resigned but also determined.

“What are doing with those,” Malcolm asked sceptically.

“I’m going to sell them,” she replied firmly, refusing to make eye contact.

“Rey,” he chastised.

He knew how much she loved those earrings. She joked all the time that they were the only gift her parents had given her that had been too beautiful to leave behind. They were a pair of platinum earrings. They were dangly and had both rubies and diamonds set into them. The platinum formed a helical pattern in which small diamonds were set on alternating sides with larger rubies hanging in the middle of each helix. There were three helix in each earring.

“You know it’d be worth a small fortune, especially considering there are six big rubies and several small diamonds present in total. And the craftsmanship would also fetch a great price. I could pay for the next semester and get you your money back for the hospital. It’ll probably even set me up with the rent for a while considering I can’t work.”

“Or I could just loan you the money. You know I’ve got the means to obtain money now. Let me just help for now. Okay?”

“How is the way you get money any different from the way I want to get it now? You’re gonna end up selling something you picked up a long while ago too.”

“The difference is that all of those things are just that to me, things. They don’t mean anything to me. You love those earrings. I sold a spoon to pay for your hospital stay. A fucking spoon! How much do you reckon I cared for it. Stop being stubborn. You know those are too unique to let go off.”

She sighed and processed his words. He was right. They were too unique. An amazing reward for a humiliating day.

“Fine. But you have to promise something. You _have_ to take the money back when I offer it to you. Promise?”

He shook his head and smiled. He had seen this coming.

“Promise.”

* * *

 

“Jesus. You scared me. Why are you still up and sitting in the dark,” Malcolm accused before she could accuse him.

He had been sneaking off to accompany Arthur in searching for the perpetrator. They had been getting closer but they’d meet with another dead end tonight. He was mad.

“You promised you wouldn’t go after him. You promised, M.”

“You asked me to. I never did. And why don’t you want me to help out? If it’s me you’re worried about, I can take care of myself.”

“It is you. You have your own problems to deal with with Officer Fier or Arthur or whatever. My problems are that, mine. Don’t put yourself in the cross hairs for no reason. This is the job of the police. I’m pretty sure they’re competent enough to do something about it. If not, they wouldn’t be employed.”

It was probably all the anger and disappointment from before, but Merlin snapped. “Ever since you came back last week, you’ve been actively trying to stop me from doing anything. You haven’t even been cooperating with Arthur. It is almost like you don’t want that monster caught.” He paused and yelled, “What the fuck is going on with you?”

Rey flinched violently when Merlin yelled, and just like that he was ashamed of what he’d done. He was about to apologise when she yelled back, “I don’t want him caught, you dickhead. I don’t. I guess it makes me a horrible and selfish person, but I don’t.” There were tears streaming down her cheeks now that she was violently rubbing with her sleeve.

He tried to approach her but she pushed him away. “Did you even think about what will happen at court if he’s caught? How they’ll treat me? That poor child in Ireland. They let him go, M. They let that despicable man go because she was wearing a thong. She was just 17, so innocent. You said it yourself. I was working at a glorified strip club. The only way this ends is with me _humiliated_ and him legally free. I don’t want to be vilified like that. I would like to walk away from this with at least my dignity intact.”

Merlin stared at her in horror and with remorse. She wasn’t overreacting, just stating facts. He knew everything she said was true, including what she’d said about him. He didn’t insult her further with an apology. He hugged her while she feebly tried to push him away and punch him. He knew that her heart wasn’t in it. He had been making this whole thing worse for her, causing her more embarrassment and pain. He had tears sliding down his cheeks too.

He kissed the top of her head and said, “I promise I won’t go after him.”

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Waiting for replies from college is like waiting for a chapter from a fic you’re in love with, agonising. Hope you guys like this.

When Merlin walked back into the apartment, the sound of a hairdryer and an odd smell greeted him. He could hear Rey, Poppy and Lizzy talking and giggling through the open bathroom door. Rey had been in an odd funk since their conversation the day before yesterday. So he couldn’t have been happier when the girls showed up this morning and convinced her to go out.

She agreed begrudgingly. She still had to buy clothes that would fit over the cast. But now it sounded like they were having the time of their lives. They’d been a great support system, helping keep her spirits up. She had lied to them and instead told them she’d been injured in a mugging. Travis and Merlin knew their place and went along with it. Lizzy’s blonde head poked out at the sound of Malcolm’s footsteps.

“It’s Malcolm,” she relayed and turned to me before saying, ”Brace yourself.” She even felt it was necessary to include jazz hands to the dramatic tone of her voice. Merlin wasn’t expecting anything, but he probably should have braced himself.

* * *

 

 

Rey was over the moon because of her decision. Her hair had lost all of its lustre and smoothness after her near death experience, as one would expect. It was falling off at an alarming rate, what little was left was brittle and lifeless. So when they passed the salon on the way back, she thought, “What the heck! I should do this.”

She’d been thinking about making a physical change to reflect the internal change that had happened. She had almost died. Surely people couldn’t expect her to have one major breakdown and go back to being her old self. Her hair had been an identifying factor for so long, it was the perfect thing to reinvent.

She brushed her hand across the short strands on her forehead. She’d gotten a pixie cut. Then she thought, “Why stop there?” They also went out and bought a pack of purple dye and bleach. She would rather have it dyed at the salon but that cost money, something she didn’t have.

* * *

 

Malcolm looked like he was having a heart attack. When she first walked out, it took him a whole couple seconds to recognise her. He hadn’t really been expecting anything, he was caught totally off guard.

He loved her hair. If he thought about it, this was something she would do. All of her big decisions were impulsive.

“Oh my god! There is a purple nest on your head,” Merlin squealed.

“Shut up,” She said covering her face with a hand, and shoving him with another.

“It looks amazing.” She didn’t look like she believed it. “I’m serious. It looks...bold. It looks like you.”

She blushed and turned away. “Thanks.” She was always terrible at accepting compliments. 

* * *

 

Instead of the crowd dissipating, it increased. All of the girls came over, and they decided to have a girl’s night out. There was so much make up strewn around their apartment that Merlin could have opened a store. Rey went all out in a strappy black dress with a flowing skirt. He reminded her for the umpteenth time not get drunk because of her medication before finally letting her leave.

 Rey was in love with the black dress she’d bought. She’d done a black smokey eye to go with the dress, paired with a maroon lip. She was normally a skin-tight-clothes-kinda-girl. But this was the next best thing. She’d bought a couple pairs of clothes, less than she had needed. This dress was the only thing she’d splurged on. The fact that she didn’t feel so great on the inside sometimes, didn’t mean her outside couldn’t look fantastic. She was a believer in the _look good, feel good_ motto.

 Her dress had straps that formed a halter top pattern in the front that extended into an intricate pattern that connected with the low back. It was “slutty” and she absolutely loved it. After she’d been raped, the first few days, she had totally fallen apart. It all seemed like her fault.

 But then she realised, she didn’t deserve that. When she knew it wasn’t the fault of all the other victims, how could it be her fault when she too was a victim. But she knew others wouldn’t see it that way. Then she’d come across what had happened in Ireland, it just strengthened her belief. It wasn’t her responsibility to come forward at the expense of her own well being. She’d been violated enough.

 She hadn’t liked admitting it to Malcolm though. It made her feel weak and selfish. It made her feel like she was shrugging off her responsibility. She didn’t want to be remembered as that girl who’d been raped though. She wanted to be remembered as more than that. That’s why she hadn’t told any of them the truth.

 Tonight was her first night out on town after almost dying, and she was determined to make the most of it. They went to one of their usual spots, a pub close to Poppy’s house. This way if they were too wasted to get back home, they could just crash there.

 Rey was having one of the best times she’d had in a long time. Eliza was swaying along to the music on the stool next to her, a drink in hand. Poppy and Gemma were so drunk, they were holding onto each other more than they were dancing. They had started dating three weeks ago. Rey’s near death experience had made them realise life was too short. Heather, Rose and Billie were dancing in a circle still holding their drinks.

 Rey wanted to dance too, but she was too sober to be dancing with her crutch. She had instead spent the better part of the night looking at a new woman who had come in. As she turned to look at her again, she realised she could no longer find her. She turned the other way when she felt a tap on her shoulder. It was the raven-haired lady. She had perfect pale skin and sharp angular features. She looked like she could burn you to a crisp with a single glare. Her eyes looked like polished jade up close.

 “Looking for me,” she asked, making Rey fluster.

“Uhhh….” Rey didn’t know how answer. 

The raven-haired lady set her drink down and sat next to Rey.

“What can I get you?” 

“Nothing. I’m not supposed to drink.” Rey replied sheepishly. She showed off her cast and crutch. “Doesn’t mix with the pain meds.” 

“Oh.” She seemed caught off guard for minute but recovered quickly. “My name’s Evangeline, call me Eva,” she introduced herself and held her hand out. 

“Rey.” She replied, shaking her hand. 

“So,” Eva started, “if I’m not mistaken, you were checking me out all night.”

Rey looked away before replying, “Sorry if I made you uncomfortable.” 

“On the contrary, here’s my number,” she said while handing Rey a number written on a napkin. “Call me if you’re interested.” Eva then proceeded to leave the pub, leaving Rey completely dumbfounded.

She turned to Poppy who was staring with her mouth open. “Told you that dress would get you laid.” Rey was still too struck to reply. 

She called her the next morning to set up a date. She still couldn’t believe how much she’d lucked out. Eva was _way_ out of her league, or so she thought. Little did she know how smitten Eva had been with her.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if it’s take a little longer to upload. I’ve been caught up in exams. Hopefully I’ll post again soon because I have some free time in February.

Merlin smiled when he walked in on Rey cooking and singing. Cooking was a term he used loosely with her, everything she made typically came out of a box. He knew this improvement was because of Evangeline. Due to some twist of fate he hadn’t yet had the pleasure of meeting Evangeline, even though they’d been dating for almost more than a month now. All Merlin really cared about though was how happy she made Rey.

She had earphones in and was singing completely off key. She hobbled around dramatically singing into the spatula like it was microphone, “I don’t mean to brag. I don’t mean to boast. I love all y’all but I love me the most. I don’t…”, when she opened her eyes and noticed Malcolm looking at her with an amused grin on his face.

“You could have told me you were home,” she pouted. “I thought your shift ended 30 minutes later?”

“Yeah, but the head chef let us off early because we did most of the prep yesterday.” The amusement persisted in his voice when he said, “I assume you are going to meet Evangeline today. Might that be the reason for the  _ singing _ ?”

“Shut up you annoying toad. You’re one to talk. You and Travis were insufferable. At least you’ve never walked in on me naked,” She declared smugly.

The tips of his ears turned red and he glanced away for a moment. “When do I get to meet her,” he asked trying to change the subject. “Not hiding her away from your freak of a roommate are you?”

They had never really talked much about how Malcolm’s or Merlin’s magic affected him. She knew the sequence of the events as they had unfolded at the beginning of his very long life. But they never talked about the emotions attached. She had always noticed a bitter tone whenever he used the word freak. It was very understated, but she knew him well enough to notice it.

She decided to broach the subject. “When you get around to telling Thomas the truth.” His face instantly turned cold. She would never admit it: that look scared her sometimes.

“I’ll tell him when you go to therapy,” he replied maliciously. It was her turn to look displeased, instead she just looked exasperated. She turned over to switch off the pan she’d been trying to heat.

“Come sit down with me on the sofa,” she asked and hobbled to the living room. He followed quietly. Once seated, she started, “I know therapy would be useful. But I also know it’s the most helpful if you can open up completely. I know I won’t be able to. I’ll probably end up talking about all the dumb things that annoy me instead of the things that give me nightmares at night. I don’t want to waste my time if I know I won’t make any progress. But that’s the thing with my problem, it only affects me. You’re ruining Thomas too. I know something horrible went down between you both. But he doesn’t deserve to suffer in the dark because of that.”

Merlin just sighed and looked at his hands. “I know. I’ve told him I’m gathering all the proof I have to back up my story before I tell him, bought myself sometime. I need to wrap my head around the idea he might get his memories back. I already found a spell to bring back his memories. I just need a third person to act as a filter. That’s the tricky bit. I n-“

“I can do it. Another spell. Such fun.” Rey interrupted, clapping for embellishment.

“You sure,” he asked while fiddling with his hands.

She covered his hands with hers and looked into his eyes. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

He looked away and didn’t say anything for what seemed like an hour. He took her hand and looked at their intertwined finger before speaking. “People tend to be..afraid of what I can do. They mostly change their perceptions of me after they find out. Think that I’m an…..abomination, my powers are a...curse.”

“Look at me.” He wouldn’t meet her eyes. She bent her head down so that he was forced to look at her. “I still think you’re the same wonderful guy who waits too long to do his laundry. The same guy who once argued with me about the right way to make Ramen . You are right. My perception has changed of you. But not because of the magic, but because I know more about you. But I still think you’re an annoying ass who needs to stop tickling me when I’m drinking something.”

He cracked a smile at that. “I don’t know if I’m prepared to have him back in my life yet.” He sounded so small when he spoke, Rey squeezed his hand for reassurance.

“Helping him remember doesn’t mean you’re extending an invitation for him to enter into your life. He needs to earn it. Now go make those pancakes. We both know I’ll burn them.”

He laughed and got up. “We both most certainly do.”

* * *

 

Rey did actually have a date with Eva. She was looking around for Eva at the restaurant hoping to spot her quickly. She always ended up looking underwhelming because of her limited clothing choices. But not today. She’d borrowed some of Poppy’s clothes. A white, sleeveless, floral crop top paired with a dark blue skirt to match the flowers on the shirt. 

She spotted Eva when she waved to get her attention. Rey quickly hobbled to the table. It always felt so awkward to just stand in the middle of a restaurant and look for someone. When she got to the table, Rey’s huge smile was rivaled by Evangeline’s. The two girls just spent a minute taking each other in, looking like giddy five year olds. This thing between them was still new and they didn’t know where it would end up, but they were having the best time trying to figure it out.

* * *

 

Merlin loved his job as a chef but it was exhausting. He was going to camp out on the couch and enjoy a quiet night in. Things did not go the way he had wanted them to. Soon after Rey left he got a text from Arthur. 

_ We’ve got a new lead on the assaulter. He attacked someone else last night. I’m looking into it. Meet me at the address I sent. _

Malcolm froze when he read that. He had no idea what to do. Rey had made it clear that she didn’t want him going after the guy. On the other hand it would kill her if she found out that someone else had gotten attacked and she might have been able to prevent that. He decided to meet Arthur.

It was a shady part of the city. Apparently the new victim had gotten a better look at the assaulter’s face and they think they might have found a match to a guy who had a drunken disorderly conduct arrest. Arthur wasn’t very sure though. He thought it was a long shot because the description was very common.

He approached Arthur’s car and rapped his knuckles against the window. Arthur lowered his window and beckoned him to get into the car. Once Merlin got into the car he explained the situation. “No one’s there right now. I already checked. I’m waiting for him to get home.”

There was a prolonged awkward silence between them before Malcolm spoke, “I’m prepared to tell you everything. Are you free tomorrow?”

Thomas blinked a few times, startled. “I can be.” He hadn’t been expecting this right now. He had assumed Malcolm would lead him on a little longer. He wasn’t even sure if he was going to get the answers he was promised.

He was going to say something else when he noticed someone walking up to the house they were staking out. He motioned for Malcolm to follow him and got out of the car. He crossed the street quickly and called out, “Mr. Peters. This is Detective Fier from Scotland Yard. I have a few questions for you.”

The man whipped around, noticed the badge, and jumped over the staircase railing to take off running into the alley beside his apartment. Merlin recognised the man running away. It was definitely the same man who had attacked Rey. Arthur took off running off after him, but he had a head start. Merlin took off after them, too far behind to be able to help.

He could see that the assaulter was going to get away. Arthur was pursuing him, but he wasn’t going to be able to stop him from jumping the fence and blending into the throngs of London. His eyes flashed gold as he rolled a soda can from the trash into the assaulter’s path and tripped him. The assaulter fell face first with nothing to break his fall.

Arthur caught up and put handcuffs on his wrists. As Arthur pulled him to his feet, Merlin noticed blood over the lower half of his face from a broken nose and felt smug satisfaction. But he was a big man and tried to fight Arthur. He was starting to gain an upper hand on Arthur when Merlin dropped a flower pot from a nearby balcony on his head. He crumpled to the ground like a sack of potatoes.

Arthur looked at him, confused. It had taken him a thousand years to notice how things always oddly played out in his favour. Merlin’s smirk deepened but he didn’t say anything else as he helped Arthur drag the assaulter to the car.

* * *

 

Rey giggled at something Eva was saying as they made their way to Rey’s apartment. They were both tipsy, Rey more so. She had recently finished her prescription and was finally free to drink. Rey stopped giggling when she noticed someone camped out beside her door. They looked up when she approached. 

It was Heather. Her hood was up but it couldn’t cover the split lip. Rey immediately helped her up and got her into the house. Her eyes were swollen and red from all the crying. One of them was swollen shut. Eva just stood stunned to the side.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know...where else to go. I rang...the bell but... no one was home,” she choked out between sobs. She wrapped her arms around Heather as a gesture of comfort but didn’t know how much good it was doing.

After an hour of talking through sobs she got the whole story. Heather’s boyfriend had hit her. They lived together so she hadn’t known where else to go. Heather had made fun of him before his friends over something stupid. After they’d left he turned his fury on her. She ran away when he went into the bathroom. After another hour she fell asleep on the couch.

Rey made her way to the kitchen to thank Eva. “You know you really didn’t have to stay. But I’m glad you did.” Rey wrapped her arms around Evangeline’s waist and rest her head on her shoulder.

“Of course I stayed. Your friend needed your help. I wasn’t going to leave you here to deal with the situation all by yourself.” Eva rested her head on top of Rey’s.

Rey felt content. “This isn’t how I wanted to show you around my apartment the first time,” she said with a bitter laugh. “I’m going to kill Caleb. Strangle him with my bare hands. What made him think he could hurt Heather without consequences is beyond me. But those consequences are heading for him like ballistic missiles.”

Eva was about to reply when a loud banging on the door interrupted them. “Is Heather here,” Caleb yelled. “Tell that bitch to come out this fucking second.” Rey heard a whimper from the couch and after that all she saw was red.

“Take Heather into my room. Now.” Eva hurried to do just that as Rey headed for the door.

She put the chain on before opening the door. “Take a fucking hike Caleb. Leave before I call the police.”

“Tell her to come out right now,” he slurred softly. She could smell the alcohol on him. “She doesn’t get to leave. If anyone gets to leave it’s me. Tell her to get her ass out here right now.”

“No. Leave,” Rey yelled again.

This spurned him into action. He started to push against the door. She could hear the chain straining and started pushing back but wasn’t making any progress. Eventually the chain snapped and Caleb pushed the door open. She tried to push him out but he just slapped her across the face, hard. She lost her balance and feel over. Her ear ringing as he headed into the apartment looking for Heather.

Merlin and Arthur were making their way down the corridor when they noticed that the door to the apartment was open. They ran into the apartment just as Rey kicked a guy in his nuts as hard as she could. He crumpled to floor, letting go of Heather’s hand as Eva pulled her back. She hit him in the head with her crutch. She hit him again and again until Malcolm pulled her off him. She would have hit Thomas too if he hadn’t ducked. She spit out the blood pooling in her mouth before finally calming down.

That’s when Malcolm noticed her. Morgana standing with her arms wrapped around Heather, trying to calm her down. He turned to Rey. “What is she doing here?”

“Who,” she asked as she turned around to check. “Eva?”

Merlin was turning paler and paler by the second. He finally exhaled, in a barely audible manner, “That’s Morgana.”

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I won’t be able to post till April because finals month is approaching for me. I’m sorry about that. But I think you guys will really like this chapter.

It had been 30 minutes since the paramedics took Heather to the hospital. Bill and Lizzy were going to meet her there. The officers that Thomas had called in had just finished getting statements from the rest of them. Rey had finally managed to convince Eva to go home and get some rest. Rey didn’t want to mess with Eva’s important meeting tomorrow. 

“Are you sure,” she asked one last time with concern blazing in her eyes.

“I’m fine. I won’t be alone. Hell, I think Thomas might stay over for a while longer. There will be a literal police person here. I’m plenty safe.”

“Fine,” she pouted. But Rey handled it with a kiss, a deep one. She pulled Eva closer and ran her hand up her back. Eva was stumped for a second before responding with equal enthusiasm. Eva’s hands worked their way into her hair. Eva opened her mouth slightly and Rey slipped her tongue in. Both their tongues danced around for a while before they had to finally pull away to breath. 

Eva left with a parting smirk. Rey closed the door and rested her back against it. She raised her eyes from the floor and noticed Malcolm and Thomas, both looking at anything but her. She started laughing at their discomfort and Thomas turned slightly pink.

The light moment was short lived when she looked into Malcolm’s eyes. The weight of their predicament settled on their shoulders.

Malcolm had decided it was time to pull Thomas into the fold. And the spell was going down now. Rey went into her room to change into her pajamas, not wanting to accidentally ruin Poppy’s clothes, while Malcolm gave Thomas a cliff notes version of the revelation that he had magic

When she came back out he looked exactly like a deer caught in headlights. “You ready,” Rey asked rubbing her palms together with exaggerated enthusiasm. He could only muster a nod. 

They moved the coffee table in the living room to jam the broken door closed. It didn’t feel as secure as a lock but it was the best they could do on such short notice. They sat in a circle, Malcolm and Thomas holding her hands, her leg propped up on a pillow between them. Malcolm shoot them book a reassuring look before starting.

He chanted softly under his breath, barely audible, like a whisper carried by the wind. Rey gasped slightly when she felt warmth enter her body through her hand. Soon her vision blurred and she was no longer looking at their living room. Malcolm’s life flew by like a movie on fast forward, except this movie was five-dimensional. She could feel everything he felt. She could feel his sorrow, his joy, his anger. As quickly as Malcolm’s memories had come into her possession, they were gone. They were replaced by Arthur’s memories. This intimate peek into his life felt like a breach of privacy. She could feel his memories flowing from her, they were in a rush to reach their rightful owner.

Soon the living room came back into focus, so did Malcolm’s apprehensive face. He was looking intently at Thomas’ face. Thomas looked blank. His eyes were open but he wasn’t here. She realised she must have looked the same. He was under the trance a lot less longer than she had been.

Soon his eyes started re-focusing too. He looked at our hands first, then at me. The second he saw me he dropped my hand. He looked like he would bounce into action like a coiled spring until he saw Malcolm. Then his face just split into a huge grin. 

“Merlin,” his voice boomed, elated. 

Merlin smiled back feebly but genuinely. He looked weak now that he had finished casting the spell. 

Thomas noticed it too. “Merlin,” Thomas repeated himself. This time it was a question. 

Malcolm was practically starting to sway now. Rey tried to support him with a hand on his shoulder while she tried to pull the pillow out from underneath her leg with her other hand. She did so successful and put it on the floor near Malcolm. She gently lowered him onto it and touched his forehead. It was slick with sweat and unusually warm. 

“What is happening? What is wrong with him? Help him.” Thomas demanded.

“Would I look so worried if I knew what was going on? Now help me up you twat. I’ll get him so water.”

Thomas looked taken aback when Rey yelled back at him, but he did as he was told. He got up and helped her up. Rey grabbed her crutches and tried to hobble as quickly to the kitchen as she could without tripping. She was taking deep breaths to try and control her spiraling. If she started to panic she wouldn’t be able to help him.

She tried to force the calm and peace even into her demeanour. She walked more steadily now and grabbed a glass. She headed over to the sink to fill it up. Thomas had followed her and was intently studying their surroundings. 

“This place looks bizarre. You look bizarre. Where are we and who are you,” he asked while keeping his voice level.

“Thomas stop fucking around. You know who I am and where we are.” She set the full glass down to look around for something with a lot of sugar. 

“My name is Arthur Penndragon, not Thomas. And I mostly certainly do not understand what is happening.”

She turned away from the open fridge to gawk at him. “Are you kidding me! Perfect. You don’t remember anything.” She turned back to the fridge and pulled out an orange. 

“Get these,” she said pointing to the glass and the orange. She picked up a straw before heading back into the living room with Arthur beside her. She could feel his impatience at her pace but he didn’t say anything. She assumed broken legs have looked the same for a thousand years. 

Thomas helped her sit back down on the floor and she cradled Malcolm’s head in her lap, trying to coax him into drinking some water. She put the straw in his mouth and he sipped weakly. Thomas loomed over them both, exuding the utmost concern. 

“He’ll be fine,” she tried to reassure both him and herself. 

He gently nudged the straw out of his mouth with his tongue and gave us both a watery smiled. He was still too weak to speak. 

She turned to Thomas and asked, “Can you carry him to that couch by yourself,” while pointing at it. 

He nodded and tried to pick up Malcolm as gently as possible. Arthur got him onto the couch while Rey got herself off the floor. She hopped over to the sofa with the pillow in her hand. She put it underneath his head again and settled down on the arm of the couch.

“What now,” Thomas asked as he looked at a weakened Malcolm. 

“Let him rest a minute and then I’ll try to feed him some orange.” Rey put her hand to his forehead again. He still seemed unnaturally warm but it was better than before. 

“Now that we have some time, answer my questions. Who are you and where am I?”

She looked at Thomas and sighed exasperatedly. “The short version : you’ve been dead for a thousand years and were recently reborn. But you didn’t remember anything so Malcolm… Merlin did a spell to bring your memories back. And here we are.”

“So… he’s like this because of me,” he asked with his voice full of worry and shame. 

She didn’t know what to say but she figured she shouldn’t let him spiral either. “I haven’t known you for a long time even before, but you seem like the kind of guy who carries the weight of the world on his shoulders. This was Malcolm..Merlin’s choice and he made it out of his own free will. Don’t poison his gift to you with guilt. I learned not to do that the hard way.” She looked fondly at Malcolm and leaned down to kiss his forehead.

When she looked up Thomas was staring at them contemplatively. “And who are you? His..uhm… his love?”

Rey scrunched her face in disgust before saying, “Ew. No. He’s my best friend.”

Thomas just looked away, probably embarrassed.

“My name’s Rey by the way. Hand me the orange will you.”

After an hour he could sit up and looked like death reincarnated.

“Did I look like this after I woke up in the hospital cause you look just horrible,” she joked and Malcolm playfully stuck his tongue out. 

His eyes meet with Arthur’s and he suddenly sobered. He looked away but Arthur charged forward and crushed him in a hug. Malcolm looked a bit startled but smiled and patted his back. Arthur sprung away quickly and Malcolm rolled his eyes.

“What happened anyway? You practically gave me a heart attack when you started swaying. And Arthur doesn’t remember anything from the present. Did something go wrong?”

“I had to reach across the barrier of death to retrieve his memories. It was harder and more taxing than I thought it would be. And his memories will hopefully come back soon. Maybe his brain is taking time to process these new memories. Anyway, it’s time for you to go to bed. Thank you so much for taking care of me. But it’s three in the night and you should get some sleep.”

“Fat chance, twig. I’m staying right fucking here. Like you ever left my side at the hospital when I needed you.”

“My point exactly. You’re still recovering. Please go to bed. I’ll be fine in the morning.”

Rey was about to protest again but Arthur interjected. “You should get some rest. I will look after him.”

A yawn that escaped her mouth annihilated any hope she had of winning this argument. She narrowed her eyes skeptically at both of them before finally grumbling, “Fine. But. Call. Me. If. You. Need. Anything. Absolutely anything.” 

She hobbled off to her room as a conversation brewed behind her.

  
  



	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I’ve got some good news. I wrote 9 and 10 simultaneous but I thought this got deleted. But tada! I found another copy on a different file. So here. Enjoy.

Merlin watched Rey walk toward her room before turning back to Arthur. Seeing him as himself, with his old memories intact, made all of Merlin’s anger melt away. He wasn’t going to let it go, but for now he was going to let himself be content. Arthur was studying him intently. His face didn’t give anything away, but Merlin had known him a long time. He knew how to read him, even after all these years he remembered.

“Don’t worry too much. I’ll pull through,” Merlin said softly with a slight smile.

He didn’t reply. He sat down on one of the armchairs. He didn’t speak for a long time and Merlin closed his eyes. His eyes fluttered open when Arthur finally spoke. “Is she a sorcerer too? A Druid? Your friend?”

“Who? Rey,” Merlin asked surprised. “No. She’s not.”

“So she’s normal like me?”

“Don’t know about normal but she doesn’t have magic.”

There was another moment of silence while Arthur tried to build up the courage for his next question. “What...what happened after I died?”

“Gwen ruled for a very long time. Eventually she married again. She had beautiful children. There was peace. Finally.”

Arthur shook his head solemnly. “And you?”

“I stayed in Camelot. Helping Giaus and Gwen. But when Giaus died, I couldn’t stay any longer. I went back to Ealdor.”

“Merlin, I..I don’t know how to thank you. For all that you’ve sacrificed for me. You were loyal to Camelot even after I was gone. That means a lot to me. I’ll never know how to repay you.”

“That’s not why I did it.”

“I know,” is all he says before Merlin succumbs to exhaustion.

* * *

 

In the privacy of her room, Rey finally let herself fall apart. She hadn’t let on how deeply she’d been affected by what had happened. She let out a sob into her pillow hoping it would be muffled. When Caleb had swatted her aside like a fly she had been so terrified and not just for Heather. She was back in that alleyway, helpless. She had kicked and screamed and punched but nothing had worked.

And when she hadn’t been able to stop Caleb, she just splintered. The cracks from that night widened. But the second she saw him trying to drag Heather out while Eva tried to pull her close, a switch had flipped. The broken pieces reassembled. This time they were different, they faced outward, like barbed wire, to hurt anyone who dared to cross her.

She had pushed herself off the floor even though her vision swam and her right ear was still ringing. She had gone numb with anger, it took over everything. She would not have stopped hurting him. She would not have stopped if Malcolm hadn’t been there, and that terrified her. She felt like a ticking time bomb about to explode: she knew she would level everyone in her vicinity along with herself.

* * *

 

She was back in that alleyway again, a trash bag in her hand. This time she him coming and ducked out under his arm. She hit him over the head with the trash bag and started to run towards the street. She kept running and running and running but the alley never ended. He caught up with her and it started to happen all over again. His slimy hands on her.

* * *

 

Merlin and Arthur were startled out of their slumber by screaming. Arthur rushed to the source with Merlin stumbling behind him. He threw open Rey’s bedroom door to find her thrashing in her bed. She was still asleep. She must be having a nightmare.

Malcolm walked up to her and shook her arm. It took a moment for her to wake up. She almost started screaming again, completely disoriented. Her frantic eyes locked onto Malcolm’s and tears started streaming down her cheeks.

Malcolm sat down beside her and tried to soothe her, his arms encircling her and her head on his chest. “Shhhh, it’s okay. It’s all over. You’re safe now. It’s okay.” He pressed a kiss into her hair. But her terror had to run its course. Soon she was sobbing so hard, she shook Malcolm too. This continued for the next 20 minutes.

Arthur stepped away, giving them their privacy. This whole thing reminded him too much of when Morgana used to have night terrors, how she used to wake up screaming and sobbing, convinced he was going to die. He hadn’t thought about her like this in a very long time. It pricked his heart, the loss of a sister, even though he hadn’t known it was a blood bond back then. She had always been important to him even if they hadn’t been related by blood.

He paced outside in this strange home, in his strange clothes, surrounded by these strange things. Merlin had said he would remember everything soon so it would probably work better than an explanation. He willed his memories to come back quicker but to no avail. He’d been lost in his head for quite some time when Merlin walked out.

“How is she? What happened? Was it sorcery,” Arthur asked all his questions at once.

Merlin looked down and away before replying, trying to get his own temper in control. “She, uh, she cried herself to sleep. It wasn’t sorcery.”

Arthur felt like he wasn’t exactly telling him the whole truth. “You’re hiding something. I can sense it. It _was_ sorcery wasn’t it. You don’t have to hide it from me anymore. Tell me. It cannot be a coincidence that this happened on the day you brought back my memories.”

“Sorry to disappoint you,” Merlin replied, bitterness flooding every word, “but this has nothing to do with sorcery.”

“Then why are you so angry. I can see it shimmering beneath your eyes, try as hard as you may to hide it. You can tell me these things now.”

“It’s nothing,” Merlin said trying to sound nonchalant to make Arthur stop asking so many questions.

“You can trust me goddamn it. I want to help you. _Let me.”_

Arthur had finally pushed it with his yelling. “You want to know what happened clotpole. Fine. A guy _violated_ her a while ago. Today another guy tried to drag her friend away from this house a _couple hours_ ago. Didn’t you think it odd that there is a table blocking the door. And she has dreams like this all the time even though she won’t admit it. And she’s terrified all the time. And she won’t get help. And I don’t know what to do to help her.” Merlin took a breath to calm himself down but the tears slipped out anyway.

Arthur stood there dumbfounded. He felt rage simmering too. Growing up he’d known so many princes and kings and noblemen who boasted about taking advantage of their maids. It had always sickened him. Looks like things still hadn’t changed. He stepped forward and put a hand on Merlin’s shoulder. He shrugged it off.

He replaced it more firmly this time and said in a voice filled with ice, “I’ll help you make him pay.” Merlin looked up in surprise to see how resolute Arthur was. His anger softened. “You already did,” Merlin replied was a small smile

Arthur looked absolutely surprised and lost. He also looked a little proud. The person he was in this life was someone he need not be ashamed of.

“Come on. I’ll show you how the television works. It’s going to amaze you.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I’ve been MIA for so long. I had to deal with finals. And then I had to pick a college and take care of the visa arrangements. But anyway I’m going to Ohio State University in the fall. And hopefully I can put up more stuff in the summer. I would really appreciate any kudos and comments.

The television had amazed Arthur. He did not sleep a wink. Merlin awoke when the sun from the window hit his eyes. He rubbed his eyes and sat there for a second, taking in Arthur. He was really here. He had arisen and he was capable of remembering. He smiled when Arthur caught his eye and got up to take care of breakfast. He guessed old habits die hard because Arthur did not lift a single finger to help.

Rey woke up in a considerably good mood. All the anger, sadness, hopelessness was all cried out. She felt like a blank slate and that was promising enough.

Arthur was lost in the marvel of it all. The future seemed so full of wonder and promise. It also seemed so similar. He couldn’t get last night out of his head. He was fixated on Morgana, the sister he’d lost. He had often thought about how different things would be if he had been there for her. He had often wondered about what he had done to make his sister think she couldn’t confide in him. He wished things didn’t have to end the way it did between them. 

Morgana woke up thinking about Rey but also thinking about the two men she’d seen her with. She’d seen them before, in her dreams. They weren’t real people, well they must have been because the human brain cannot create faces, it just remembers them: but they didn’t seem a day older than they did in the dreams she’d been having since she was a child. Then her focus shifted back to Rey. She was worried and wanted to check up on her, on the other hand, she didn’t want to wake her. She just sat on her bed absolutely smitten by this woman she’d only just meet.

  
Rey finally pushed herself off her bed when her phone pinged again. It was a message from Eva. She smiled at her phone before replying **_I’m good. Don’t worry. I’ll see you tonight. Your place._ **

She switched off her phone and paused when she caught her reflection on the now blank screen. There was a bruise forming across her cheek. She didn’t want Merlin to make a big deal out of it, especially when they had a guest. Last night had been embarrassing enough. So she made sure he wasn’t looking in her direction before making a quick beeline towards the bathroom.

She brushed her teeth and washed her face quickly so she could spend a little more time on trying to cover up the bruise over her left cheekbone. She wasn’t exactly a makeup whiz but given enough time she managed to do a decent job. She put on a little eyeliner and mascara on too before leaving.

‘Listen,’ she called to Merlin as she walked into the kitchen, ‘I’m gonna visit Heather in the hospital before work. I’m leaving in 10 minutes. How did it go between you two,’ she asked pointing at Arthur who was still engrossed with the TV.

‘Honestly, I don’t know. It’s hard to tell him more till has a better grasp of his new reality,’ he hesitated before continuing, ‘and I don’t know how to tell him about Morgana.’ He searched her face for anything that would give away what she was thinking about.

‘I don’t know what kind of input I can give. She’s not all those things to me. She’s sweet, and her smiles are a little crooked when she isn’t paying attention, and she is always kind.’ Merlin watched as her eyes lit up, then they took on a dark tone. ‘I…I don’t know what to do either, but it’s not my place to forgive her for how things ended between you two. Tell me as soon as you decide, but FYI I don’t think I can condone you murdering her.’

* * *

  

‘Hey,’ Rey said as she peeked her head in tentatively through the curtain to make sure it was Heather on the bed. She smiled when their eyes met and quickly stepped in and closed the curtain behind her.

‘Feeling better?’

‘They say I’ll live, ’Heather replied with a small smile. ‘I just can’t believe I thought he was a decent bloke and he turned out to be such a wanker. I really thought I had him pegged.’

‘You gave him the benefit of the doubt. We’re always taught to, aren’t we. Blame it on society if you wanna blame someone.’

Heather just laughed and turned her head away on her pillow. Rey knew she didn’t want her to see the tears or talk about it anymore. So she sat down beside her and held her hand for as long as Heather needed her.

* * *

 

‘People do this weird thing in media where it seems like the trauma of rape just made the victims stronger. That is such utter bullshit. It’s misconstrued as them becoming stronger, but in reality, it’s them fighting much, much harder than they should have to to live their lives. I’m not stronger. I’m exhausted. I have to work that much harder to maintain normalcy in my life, to not flinch when someone’s touch takes me by surprise, to not yelp when someone accidentally bumps into me, to maintain composure when a man looks at me oddly on the tube. I wasn’t a happy person for a long time but I really worked on turning my life around. I made changes, huge changes, till I was happy. Now I have to start all over again. This _thing_ that happened makes finding happiness that much harder. You know the worst part: I’m grateful, grateful it wasn’t worse. I could have been kidnapped. It could have been someone I’ve known and trusted. I could have been killed. The worst part is being grateful. Yesterday my friend showed up at my house, bruised. Her boyfriend had gotten physical with her. I was horrified, but I was also happy it wasn't me. He _broke into_ my apartment to try and drag her back. And he hit me to get to her. I’m covering a bruise on my face right now. But I got back up. I beat the shit out him. I _did not_ let him take her. But I’m also afraid, all that anger turning into violence. I don’t want to accidentally hurt someone I care about in my unchecked rage. Anyway, that’s my share for today.’

Everyone around her clapped. Rey had been going to meetings for the past three days now. She’d thought about telling Merlin but decided against it. She wanted to give it a try before deciding if she could commit to it. She didn’t want to get his hopes up. She didn’t want to disappoint him.  

As she was leaving a lady in a wheelchair, whose name she thought might be Zahira, approached her. ‘Want to join me for a cup of tea?’

Rey considered before replying,’ What about tomorrow? I’m really late for work and this,’ she pointed at her cast,’ doesn’t make me any quicker.’

Zahira nodded and assured her that she completely understood before Rey waved goodbye and hurried off to catch the bus.

* * *

 

Rey was exhausted and barely had any energy to take off her shoes and put them away in the cabinet by the front door. All she really wanted was a nice, long, hot shower. That’s what she’d been dreaming of all day.

Then Malcolm burst out of his room pulling on his jacket and giving her a look that she was not happy with. “I completely forgot that I was supposed to meet Travis today. And I didn’t tell him about last night. I really, really, really need you to keep an eye on Arthur, so he doesn’t do something stupid. Please! I’ve canceled on him way too many times recently.’

‘I had plans tonight. I was supposed to meet Eva for dinner.’

Merlin kept pleading with his eyes and Rey finally succumbed to his request. ‘You can take your stupid puppy dog look and shove it up your arse. Ugh! Fine. I’ll do it. You owe me,’ she said while glaring at him. She pulled out her phone to call Eva.

‘Hey, when are you swinging by,’ Eva asked and Rey instantly felt guilty and disappointed.

‘I’m sorry. I’m exhausted from work and I don’t think I’ll be good company tonight. Can we take a rain check? Tomorrow instead?’

Eva sounded disappointed too but agreed.

* * *

 

Arthur watched as Merlin left after assuring him that he would be back soon. Arthur had been getting bits and pieces back the whole day. Flashes of playing football with his friends. His first case as a policeman. Glimpses of a woman he knew must be his mother. He knew it wasn’t the mother he had lost but it felt good to know that he had a mother to turn to now.

As Rey came out of the bathroom after her shower, Arthur noticed the bruise on her face. This triggered the memory of the first night he met her, all bruised and battered from the attack. She had seemed so lost and vulnerable. It was not a memory he particularly wanted back.

When he became aware of his present surroundings again, Rey was standing right before him waving her hand to get his attention. ‘ Earth to Arthur. I repeat, Earth to Arthur. You completely zoned out for a minute there.’

‘Wait. Why are you looking at me so weirdly,’ Rey asked, pausing to try and understand what his expression meant.

‘Nothing,’ he replied while clearing his throat. She shrugged and gave up.

‘I’m just gonna reheat whatever Malcolm, I mean Merlin, made for lunch. I _really_ don’t know how to cook.’

‘How did you meet anyway?’

‘Who? Malcolm and me? Oh, wow. It was almost three years ago, I think. I moved in with him right after I turned 18. He had a really cheap room for rent and I needed it. I’d meet him a couple of times before at this restaurant he worked at. Honestly, moving in here was like the second or third biggest gamble of my life. Worked out pretty well though, eh?’

‘That’s…that's unconventional,’ Arthur replied and hesitated before continue,’ I’m happy he found someone who cares for him. It was evident in the manner you worried for him last night.’

‘He’d do the same,’ Rey said brushing it off.

Suddenly Arthur was lost in another memory again. He was standing near the front door of Merlin’s home with Merlin at his side and Rey’s back was turned to him. She was kissing someone, passionately. He and Merlin were both uncomfortable and looking anywhere but toward the door. Then they both sprung apart and Arthur caught a glimpse of who it was, Morgana.

Arthur was back in the kitchen with Rey doing whatever she was doing with all the modern contraptions. She turned to look at him when she noticed how rigid he was. It took him a moment before he could speak.

‘Morgana is here. She is here, and alive, and well. And she…you...both of you were kissing each other.’ Arthur turned to her with questioning eyes.

‘You know what? I think, I am going to, leave the explaining to Malcolm.’


End file.
